The Bane of My Existence...

The bane of my existence isn’t a mean girl from high school that left me scarred by her vicious words.

The bane of my existence isn’t my parents’ 110 pound black lab that tries to eat me every time I go visit them.

The bane of my existence isn’t my 2003 Ford Focus that reminds me constantly that he has seen much, much better days and will soon be going to join my beloved ’88 Bronco II in the big parking lot in the sky.

The bane of my existence is a Lanier LD245 Super G3 copier, fax machine, printer, and scanner combination. 

I have named her Jezebel. 

Why Jezebel, you might ask?  Because this machine is evil.  Purely and undeniably evil.  The Jezebel of the Old Testament caused all of Israel to fall into sin.  The Jezebel of my office causes me to say bad words.  The Jezebel of the Old Testament abused her power by having people killed so she could rule a nation.  The Jezebel of my office abuses her power by working perfectly for everyone else in the building and then mysteriously jamming up as soon as I need an important document.

I kid you not.  This machine hates me and doesn’t care who she harms in the process of making this hate evident.  Working in bankruptcy law, it is incredibly important that certain documents go out at a certain time.  People can lose their cars and even their houses if we don’t meet certain deadlines.  Does my modern day Jezebel care?  Not even a little bit.

I have tried everything.  I have talked nicely to her.  I have kicked her.  I have promised her jewelry and chocolate and wine.  At one incredibly low moment, I took full responsibility for all things wrong in our relationship and begged her for a completely fresh start.  Not even my tears and earnest words can pierce that cold, plastic exterior she keeps wrapped around her incredibly complex and confusing silicon chipped heart. I pour my heart out to her, and in turn, she gives me a one word response: ERROR.

The Jezebel of the Old Testament never changed her ways.  She never repented—never regretted any of the destruction she caused.  Unfortunately, I’m fairly certain the Jezebel of my office has no intentions of repentance or lifestyle changes either.

Is it blasphemous to pray for the salvation of office equipment?  I’m fairly sure Jesus is the only thing that will somehow negate her inexplicable hate of all things pertaining to me.  Ha.